Thursday, February 17, 2011

first of all, thank you guys soooo much for praying for me. i’m feeling MUCH better. with the exception of a small cough, i’m pretty much 100% better. 
being sick has changed a lot of things for me. i lost my job because i was out of work for too long. i was originally working full time at a salon during the day and going to school at paul mitchell at night. post being sick, i am unemployed and granted my financial aid goes through, i’ll be switching to school full time during the day. in the mean time while my financial aid processes, i am doing nothing. literally, i have nothing to do. i’ve been looking for part time jobs at night but with such limited availability, that too has been a challenge. 
this isn’t what i planned on. 
i’m a runner. when things don’t go as planned, i usually just bail and make a new plan. that isn’t something i readily admit about myself but, its true. based on my past experience, now would be the time for me to change my circumstances. sometimes i move geographical locations, change my job, change my haircolor, dump my boyfriend, i make some drastic change that will hopefully make me feel better. changing these things distracts me from what is going on but usually has no lasting effect in making me feel better. 
rewind, when i moved to santa barbara from hawaii in 2005 i started a whole new life. with the freedom of starting a new life came the opportunity to make lots of choices. i got myself into a lot of trouble. i made some huge mistakes. mistakes that will have consequences for a long time. my past is something that has contributed to my tendency to change my circumstances when things don’t go as planned. i’m constantly on the run, sometimes physically, but almost always emotionally and consequentially. my past is something i feel i am always fighting.
being sick knocked me on my butt and left me with nothing but me and God. i avoided Him. partially because i felt like crap and partially because i know that He has a lot of hard work to do in me. it wasn’t until the third week of being sick that i actually spent intentional time waiting to hear from the Lord. i’m a work in progress. He had lots cleaning house to do but mostly i heard Him say that He loves me. 
yesterday i partook in third wednesday. prayer and fasting is powerful. i know that when you set aside intentional time to meet with God, He will ALWAYS show up. when i seek Him, He is always readily found. for the first time in a long time i don’t feel like i am running from anything. my past is what it is, my past. God is healing me. He is doing a new thing. i still don’t fully understand why i am in orange county or what He is doing with me here but i’m going with it and trusting that God has a bigger picture in mind and He loves me. 

thank you guys for being part of this journey of healing.

Friday, February 4, 2011


my body betrayed me this week. it started with a rash on my face then an abscess on my chest and a 103 degree fever and the chills. after two rounds of intravenous antibiotics, lots of fluids, and all the jeopardy i ever care to see again i went home diagnosed with a staph infection. day three of my antibiotics and i was feeling worse. despite my protest, my family made me go back. round two at the hospital: my oxygen saturation was low and i have been pretty wheezy (which wasn't a concern for me considering i'm an asthmatic). apparently it should have been a concern. after more blood tests, chest xrays, and more antibiotics i'm informed on top of having a staph infection, i have pneumonia. i'm tired. my body feels like its attacking itself. i'm lonely. i'm discouraged. i'm sick of being sick. honestly, i'm not sure what God is teaching me through this season of infirmity. i trust that he slowed me down and kept me away from my family and friends and out of work and school for the last week for a reason, just not sure why yet. maybe i'm just too drained to really be listening...